ALL // 2020 // 2021

december 31st, 2020:

i won the chess rematch yesterday! i feel good about it, obviously.

december 30th, 2020:

i played chess with my dad for the first time in awhile yesterday, which ended in a draw! that may not seem like a big accomplishment but it is to me because i often lose to him. i feel like i've gotten more strategic and better, so i feel confident about our rematch today. i might even join my school's chess club again, because i joined earlier in the school year, but i felt rather self-conscious about my playing skills so i stopped showing up to the club. my skills have definitely gotten stronger though, so i actually feel like i have a chance at winning some games!! wish me luck. i'm going to need it.

december 28th, 2020:

i hate being on my period. it just sucks; the dysphoria, the emotions, and the sitting in a puddle of your own blood thing. i feel bad for my dad though, i'm short-tempered today so i yelled at him a few times. i said sorry.

december 26th, 2020:

christmas was pretty good this year. except for my nana's annoying boyfriend and my uncle making some pretty racist was nice, especially to see my aunt who got covid a couple of months ago and hasn't recovered as well as my mom did from it. my family did end up meeting up with the relatives on christmas day, and i did end up getting tired at the end of it, but it was worth it.

my last christmas thing of the year is tomorrow, and my friend and i are supposed to be exchanging gifts but i don't have a gift for her yet, and i don't have a clue as to what i'm going to get her. i want it to be meaningful, but it's late and i can't just run out to the store now. fuck!

december 24th, 2020:

merry christmas to those who celebrate it. today, we're having a family get together for christmas eve, but we're not sure for tomorrow. i hope we're not doing anything tomorrow, i want to spend my time shopping for myself in my pajamas instead of visiting with family. that's pretty horrible and selfish of me to say, but one get together is enough for me. i bought a christmas sweater vest a couple of months ago at goodwill, so i'm excited to wear that, finally. hopefully my relatives won't be too shocked at my makeup.

december 16th, 2020:

i wrote two in-class essays today, over zoom. and now i have a test in about five or ten minutes. i'm not even going to fucking do anything after this, i'm way too fucking tired and stressed. maybe play a little bit of animal crossing or have another egg sandwich or watch utena.

december 11th, 2020:

my brother is cleaning his room and keeps moving around a lot. it's fucking pissing my off so i thought keyboard typing would distract. i tried music, it didn't work. i have so much to do next week, literally so much. i have a bunch of homework that i haven't done that's due before the end of the semester, which is next week. however, i'm steadily making progress. thanks concerta. concerta is my adhd meds, if you didn't know. it's not helping all that much, i'll have to see my psychiatrist soon for a bigger dose.

i wish it was summer. despite dressing in all black, i like wearing loose and short clothes.

december 6th, 2020:

i actually put on some makeup today and did my hair today...which actually feels refreshing. i need to clean my room today, especially my floor. i need to change my sheets. it's disgusting.

besides my gross room, i'm rewatching revolutionary girl utena. i forgot how much i missed it!! i watched it for the first time at the beginning of quarantine, and loved it. now there's so many things that i didn't notice at first, jokes i absolutely forgot about but threw my head back laughing at. seriously, i still can't get over that one scene in curried high trip. anthy and utena switched bodies, so anthy is in utena's body and utena is in anthy's body. and saionji gives utena in anthy's body his stupid exchange diary in which he professes his "love" for anthy and makes fun of utena, so basically utena is reading all the horrible shit saionji's written about her. and she writes in big red capital letters DUMB ASS on it and the look on saionji's face reading it, thinking anthy wrote it, is absolutely priceless. i didn't explain it that well, but you can look it up on youtube or whatever.

i still stand by that i think saionji is funnier than nanami. don't get me wrong, nanami's antics are funny, but doesn't compare to saionji being an incel. his odd, irrational hatred of women is so funny for no reason. i don't think misogyny is funny, but saionji's misogyny is just downright comical. that dude just fucking hates women, and who wouldn't find the patheticness of his misogyny funny? he's easy to laugh at because he's a horrible person.

december 3rd, 2020:

all i really did today was work. schoolwork, that is. i can't just ignore it forever, i don't even know how many missing assignments i have. i have to focus on health and math though, because i have an F in health and a D in math, so that's just great (sarcasm). i did make up a test today with my math teacher, which is good. i think i remember her saying that the reason i wasn't doing too well in math is because i hadn't taken the test yet. i can't remember if i just didn't take the test or if i missed it or something. i don't think i was doing anything on that day? it's whatever. now i'm just rambling. but i guess that's why i made this page, huh?

november 29th, 2020:

i didn't do much today. i did get dressed today, so that's a plus! i got a shirt in the mail the other day from depop and i like very much. even though it's a little too small for me, i'll find some way to style it. my family is having pizza tonight, and i don't mind it. i had pizza yesterday, but my mom burned it, since she made it for me. usually, i'd be a bit mad, but for some reason i really just didn't care. i guess living through a pandemic has kind of desensitized me to my first world problems and trivial daily life issues. i can't wait for quarantine and this whole mess to end.

but it's not like it'll be any different from this neoliberal hellscape i'm living in. this is just a new version of it that i'll have to adapt to. i'm reading this book, the stranger by albert camus. the main character is in prison, and well i won't spoil the book for what he's in for. anyway, he muses on the life of a prisoner and how it differs from the life of free man. i guess i can relate to him in those aspects, though our predicaments differ greatly. he talks about wanting to walk along the beach again, though he is confined to a four wall cell that he can't escape from. he misses the life of a free man. i, too, miss the life i lived as a free man. i'm being dramatic for the sake of writing, but in a sense i'm right to relate to his entrapment. our entrapment in a mess that we'll have to face and talk about eventually. an entrapment we haven't fully processed yet. but now, we live the life of a prisoner.

november 27th, 2020:

i'm feeling okay today. i finished chapter three part one part a of your turn to die! i really enjoyed it, however i don't like the dummies as much as i like the actual cast. i can't wait til the next part to come out!! though it probably won't be for awhile, since it came out in february this year. still, it's something to look forward. perhaps i'll play some other routes tonight, i just finished off my third pepsi and it's 10:53 P.M. right now.